Relationship Truths
Manhattan Beach, Ca (6/1/2020)
Gathering my emotions
Alright my friends. Today’s post may be more of a rant. This is a post I tried to write a few weeks ago, but couldn’t quite get the words to come out the way I wanted them. I was so concerned with people reading it and feeling like it was about them and it was limiting me from saying what I really wanted. But here’s the deal, whether it is or is not about someone specific, it’s worth saying and if you feel uncomfortable reading it, this probably applies to you. Maybe not with me, but with someone else in your life.
These last two weeks have been filled with so many emotions, it’s really hard to wrap my brain around any of it. But one thing hasn’t changed regardless, people are selfish when in friendships and relationships. And here is what I mean by that. How many friends do you have that only reach out to you when they think they should OR they never reach out to you and you’re constantly the one checking in with them, asking them to go to dinner, grab drinks, talk, etc.? I have too many. There is a time and place to be selfish, like right now. All of my friends that are trying to compose themselves because of the social injustice that has been exposed, the killing of George Floyd and countless others, and all of the emotions it brings up for each and every one of us, this is the time to do what you need to do for yourself. But even when I say that, I know that all of my friends going through hell right now are focused on the future. They are focused on making this world a better place for those who come after them. They are trying to change what’s going on, even though they are feeling possibly the lowest they have ever felt.
Evaluating my relationships
I have taken a ton of time over the last little bit to evaluate the relationships in my life. Who has my back? Who has always been there and who continues to disappoint me time and time again? Who lifts me up just as much as I try to do for them? It has been an eye-opening and kind of painful experience to realize who those people are or are not. As I said in my last post, everyone is handling this differently. But I really do believe that if you think all of this is wrong, you’d say something and you would say it genuinely. It wouldn’t be just to follow trends, because this isn’t a fad. These are human lives we’re talking about. It’s not because you should do it. It’s because you honestly believe that BLACK LIVES MATTER.
Okay, back to my original point of one-sided relationships. They are all around us and oftentimes we let things slide because to us, those people are important and it is really hard to let it sink in that we might not be as important to some people as they are to us. It has taken me all of my 30 years of life to really understand friendships. To look at them honestly and evaluate if they are harming or helping my life. Are these people adding value, bringing joy, relief and offering sound, quality advice or are they sucking life out of me, causing me pain, leaving me with a feeling of emptiness and just telling me what I want to hear? I can honestly say that as I have gotten older, my circle has gotten smaller, but my relationships are WAY stronger than they have ever been.
Here is what I can tell you. Evaluating your friendships and the relationships around you, even with family members or friends you have had for as long as you can remember, is so scary but incredibly necessary. You don’t need people in your life who don’t add value in some way. All relationships you have will offer you something different. All should be there to challenge you in some way. To make you uncomfortable when you need to be in order to grow. But none of them should make you feel less than or force you to compromise any part of who you are to fit into someone’s idea of what they need. I have talked about this before but I really cannot stress enough how important it is to find relationships and friendships with people who value all of you, just the way you are. We all have faults, we all have room to grow, change and improve in many different ways. BUT, we should never feel the need to change for the perception of someone else. It can be really hard, especially for those of you reading this who are in your early 20s and still in the teens. It’s hard for me now at 30. I am still trying to figure out how to be okay with navigating some of the relationships in my life because I know when I sit back and really look at them, I will have to be honest with myself about whether I need that person in my life or not and why.
Hope and light
Over the course of the last week, this has been really hard for me but it’s also been unbelievably amazing in so many ways. Last Sunday I spent the day with a group of women I didn’t really know that well, except for one that I have known since she was 2 years old or something crazy like that. I wasn’t really close to any of these women but we all had something in common; we are all black, we are all deeply affected by what has been going on, and we all needed some support, love and laughter while trying to take action and next steps toward change. It was so empowering just to be in the presence of these beautiful people.
I didn’t feel alone, I felt like change could really occur and I was reminded to protect my energy through all of this. I made some new friends along the way and got closer to ones I had really only known on the surface for many years. When I left there, I felt fulfilled. It wasn’t all deep convos and solving the world’s problems. We ate, drank, danced and laughed along the way too. For the first time in a while, I felt like I could breathe. I felt like I could feel all of the emotions without having to express why or have a conversation about it. We were all unapologetically us. We were sad, angry, happy, funny and full of life.
For me to be there and experience what I did, I had to make a choice — usually one that would have gone the other way. I normally would have dropped what I wanted to do and what I thought was best for me and my mental health to do something for someone else, to again put me last on my priority list. I sat back, I took a breath, I weighed the options, I looked at how I could make taking care of both me and others happen and not have to be spread so thin and run into the ground. If I said to you it paid off, that would be a massive understatement. Being there that Sunday meant more than I think any of those women truly know. I believe that it was valuable for all of us in different ways. For me, it was the tipping point to take back control of my life. It was the turning point that showed me that I needed to live for me and make choices that benefit me sometimes too. I have to let go of others’ expectations and demands — within reason of course. It set my soul on fire in such an amazing way and reminded me of how important valuable time with the right people can be.
So, what is this all about? In my opinion I think you should find relationships that add value to your life in some way and you should take time to understand who you are and what things about you are comfortable and you don’t want to change. Those are the non-negotiables in my mind. Don’t let people change you or allow you to sacrifice any part of yourself for someone else in a negative way. Again, all of this is my opinion and a ton of it has been brought up over the last two weeks with everything going on. Take it for what it is or don’t.
All up to you my friends :)
