Trying to Understand Who You Are…

A Journey to Understanding You

For one of my new projects, I decided to have open conversations with women about who and what inspires them. One of the goals is to understand the strong women that surround me and are in my community. To learn about them on a deeper level and figure out what or who makes them the amazing person they are. Another goal is to open up the conversation about strong female role models to the young women I coach and eventually throughout the country. 

No matter how hard we try, we are still in a society where males dominate just about everything. And in the sports world, it is no different — it actually might be worse. What I mean by that is, when you do find a woman breaking barriers and dominating her field, like Maria Taylor who does football and basketball analysis and reporting, everyone has to make a point that she is a female and a female of color at that. I don’t think people realize that constantly pointing those things out, taints what they are actually doing. It draws attention to it, yet again, making them less than their male counterparts. 

While thinking about this project, it has forced me to think about where I draw my inspiration from, what motivates me, and who has been the most integral part of making me who I have turned out to be. It has taken me into situations, relationships and back to people that maybe weren’t the most positive for me at the time but ended up playing a massive role in where I have gotten. That is one of the biggest eye openers while starting this entire process. I feel like I have an overall neutral take on life. I understand that everything in your life will teach you something; you do not lose, you only learn. Although situations you are in may be very painful and hard to navigate at the time, they play an instrumental role into who you turn out to be. So, realizing that a lot of who I am as a coach, as a person and in relationships is because of less than ideal situations I have been in throughout my past, has rocked me a little bit over the last couple days. I have started to dive deeper into who I am, understanding the roles that people and situations have played in it all.

Don’t get me wrong, this is not the first time I have done this. If you ask anyone who knows me, I can pinpoint very specific times in my life that have aided in getting me to where I am now. I understand that choices I have made, situations I have put myself in, and people I have surrounded myself with all play a massive role. I am honest with my part in just about all of it and try hard not to live in a state of regret with some of the things that have happened and really just take the lesson from everything that I can. But even though I have done this exercise before and have had tough conversations with myself, it doesn't mean there isn’t more to discover. Your life is an ever-changing and growing entity, if you allow it to be. You should constantly be evolving, trying to learn more about yourself and the world around you. Sounds easy, right? HA! It’s a great idea on paper, but when you actually get deeper into yourself, it can be a really challenging place. 

Questioning it all...

Do you ever look back on a relationship — could be a friendship that no longer plays a significant role in your life, or a relationship with a partner that didn’t work out — and you think to yourself, “I can’t even remember who I was before all of this? Was I always this closed off to people? Did I always push people away in the beginning? Was I always this protective of my heart, sometimes to a fault?” I am honest when it comes to who I am and what my flaws are. But just because you’re an honest, open and vulnerable person, doesn’t make you less susceptible to flaws, haha. It just means you recognize them maybe a little more than others. I am a closed book on the outside, which is why writing has always been such a huge outlet for me. A lot of my resistance to letting people in comes from being let down by people in the past. By opening up too soon only to get hurt not long after. 

Being vulnerable and open, especially with your heart is TERRIFYING and very personal. Every time that gets shoved back in your face or that person turns their back on you without so much as a simple explanation of what you did wrong, the door to your heart closes a little more. I cannot tell you how many times I have had to ask myself, did I just let a good thing go by because of fear or past experiences? I try to be progressive and not let my past take hold of me, but it is way harder than people make it out to be. We are all scarred in some way or another, and no matter how much we try to push past it, there is always a little residual doubt. 

So how do you move past it? A question I wish I had an answer to, that’s for sure. I think that all we can really do is learn from it and try to not let it make us hard and resistant. Allow it to open us up to new experiences, people and opportunities. We have to know that with every experience that passes, we learn something new to take forward with us. We also have to understand our part in all of it, because each of us always plays a role in what goes on in a relationship of any kind, positive or negative. If we can be honest about who we are and the flaws that we had in the situation, it allows us to better understand not only what happened but how to move through the next situation that we are in. 

Now what?

While taking this journey for myself, it has made me want to reach out to the people from my past and thank them. Isn’t that strange? The concept is hard for my mind to wrap around. But it is true, I am grateful those people came into my life and I am grateful that they left. Their leaving shaped me. Their leaving, even though it was tough in the beginning, taught me a lesson I would not have learned without them walking or me walking away. Do I wish things would have been different? Maybe. Do I wish some of them would have caused a little less pain and drama on their way out? FOR SURE! But nevertheless, I am thankful that I learned the lessons. I am grateful that I can share lessons with the people I mentor. The knowledge I have gained and can pass on will hopefully allow someone else to learn about themselves sooner than I did and help them on their own journey. 

Now, I don’t think that I will actually reach out to those in my past, but that was one of the first thoughts that I had. But then, I felt gratitude rush over me for those around me that have been solid. They have been there through every phase of my life and my personality, which isn’t always easy. They have stuck by my side through the incredibly hard and challenging times, as well as the shining, bright moments of my journey. They have accepted me for me, always, and have never waivered. Those are the type of people in your life who you may not be able to pinpoint times when they helped you grow and change dramatically, but you can definitely identify moments of strength because of their presence. They are the people that have pulled you out of your darkest spots and just been there to listen. The people who have held you as you cried the ugliest of tears, and didn’t think any less of you when it was all over. The ones that support your every move and craziest adventures. The ones that when you say, “Hey, I am going to start a blog,” they smile from ear to ear and are so excited for you to finally share one of your passions with the world. Those are the people that bring you strength and courage through all of life’s experiences. Those are the people you need to keep around and thank constantly. 

So, for the people in my life that have always stuck around, from the bottom of my heart, Thank you. You have impacted me in more ways than I could ever begin to express.