Birthday Reflection
A Rare Opportunity
Today is my birthday and for me, birthdays have pretty much always been something that gets a little glossed over in my life. When I grew up, I had a summer birthday, which for a kid is amazing because you never have school on your birthday. But my birthday also falls near a holiday, so my friends were usually out of town or had some other family plans. I remember three birthday parties during the course of my life, when I turned 6, 12 and 21, haha. For the most part, I was always playing sports and then coaching. I made a comment the other day to someone that of my 31 birthdays, I have spent 16 of them on the road either playing or coaching at nationals in random cities and not with my family. The last time I was home for a birthday was when I turned 21, ten years ago.
For most people, birthdays are a celebration, and I wouldn’t say mine are not a celebration of life, the year, etc. But they are more about reflection for me. They are a time to evaluate where I am in life, what I am doing, if I am still passionate about the same things, and checking that I want to continue down the same path personally and professionally. Am I honoring the values I hold so close to my heart? Am I the person that I constantly ask my athletes to be? Am I a good role model or have I lost myself a little during a trying year? There is no doubt that we all have good and bad years as our life goes on, but not many take the time to reflect on how to change the bad ones or break patterns.
This year has been really tough for me. I have cried a lot and questioned countless things around me. I have reevaluated relationships and questioned my career — both of which are for sure normal for someone my age. The pandemic alone has taught me massive amounts about myself and has forced me to look at who I am, where I am going and what I want out of life. It has pushed me to use my voice in ways I wasn’t comfortable with before. It has given me new platforms, new friends and amazing opportunities. This blog came out of quarantine, and that has been such an incredible outlet for me and it has brought me closer to my aunt who helps with it. It has pushed me to reconnect with important people in my life and to be a better friend to those I really care about. This reflection time that is normally just around my birthday has been happening for months and I could not be more thrilled about it.
Self Reflection
The best part about all the reflection, now and before, is the ability to be vulnerable with yourself. We often put on a façade around people and we are who we think people want us to be. Sometimes we do this so often, we put on that same façade even when no one is around. We refuse to allow ourselves to be honest even in the most private places. It’s something I struggled with for years. I convinced myself that I was what I was trying to be around others. When I realized that, and I was able to break down my own walls and be vulnerable even with just myself, it changed my entire world.
I didn’t use to cry so much and show emotion. I didn’t use to write my feelings down on paper, let alone somewhere that others could take time to read and learn about the inner workings of my brain. I was a little more reserved because being vulnerable and passionate can be really scary. What if someone doesn’t accept it? What if people don’t truly like you, for you? Terrifying, especially when you are young and just want to fit in. I realized quickly though, that being vulnerable, honest and raw with your emotions in all aspects of your life, is SO MUCH BETTER! It has helped me become a better coach, person, friend, employee, daughter and sister. I have been able to be honest with my flaws and my strengths. I have been able to honestly work on me and who I am and what I want to be without standing in my own way.
I am not saying that it is comfortable all the time to sit in a room with just my thoughts and really expose what I want, what I am not doing in life that I want to be doing, etc. But I am saying that it is entirely worth it. Being uncomfortable and honest with yourself and addressing what is going on in your life is much easier than being uncomfortable and honest with others. We all need to start somewhere while trying to move in the right direction for us. Start creating a new relationship with yourself. Be honest and raw. Sit in a room and just breathe. No need to be hard on yourself or set unrealistic expectations, just open up to the one person in your life that truly can make changes, YOU.
Now, I am going to enjoy my birthday with the people I love, at home, for the first time in ten years. Cheers, friends.
