Through My Eyes

Out in the open

I debated bringing this to light for a few weeks now, but I feel the need to remind people — especially those reading this — that none of this is going away until real change is made. I recently wrote something that I was really proud of, that didn’t end up being used the way I had hoped it would. I’ve read it to a few people and sat with it for a few weeks just wondering what to do with it, because I know it needs to be read by more people. So, I have tweaked it a bit and decided to share it here, for any and everyone to read. Although I have already written about some of my experiences with racism, this one is a little different. This was written with the intent to share with people specifically in North County, San Diego, an area that is very similar to where I grew up in that the black population is extremely low. For reference I am one of three black people where I work, out of over 70+ people who work there. The high school where I coach has no black athletes that play volleyball and very few black students in their student body. 

I mention these things only to preface that I believe there is a lot to be learned in this area. I think there are plenty of people who live around here that are not racist — who are in fact anti-racist —  but we as a community need to teach our young people, and in my case, young athletes, differently than what they have been previously taught in order to change the future of this country. I believe that our young athletes will learn so much quicker when they can associate the country’s flaws with someone they know, someone they see everyday, someone they look up to and respect. It is hard for some of our youth to really grasp the severity of it if they cannot relate to it. So here I am, a black female living in North County, San Diego, with the ability to share some of who I am, what I have endured, and allow myself to be a resource for these young people to learn, grow and change the narrative. Like I said, this didn’t get shared or used how I had hoped, but it is being shared now, so here ya go. Enjoy. Please note that this was originally written on June 5, 2020.

Through my eyes

“As most of you know by now, I am black. I come from a mixed family where my dad is a black actor and my mom is white and Jewish. I am the melting pot of America, all in one person :) I grew up in Manhattan Beach, CA, which is a very similar area to the one we are all used to in North County San Diego. My life was not hard when you look at it. I was actually very fortunate in the way I grew up. But nevertheless, even with a famous father and a white mother, I still endured racism throughout my entire life and unfortunately still do to this day. I say this, not for pity, but only to help others recognize that it is all around you, no matter where you live or how progressive you think your area may be. So as I sit here writing this, I am struck with so many emotions, some of which I will share with you. 

“I have felt immense sadness over the last 10 days and have done countless hours of reflection on my own life. I won’t tell you all the details of how I feel and why I feel the way I do, but I will say, this pain isn’t new. This pain isn’t something that started 10 days ago, this pain is something I have lived with my whole life. So these past 10 days, I have taken it upon myself to do more, to have tough conversations with my family and friends, to participate in protests and hear the words of others and learn about their pain. To reach out to those in my circle that I know are struggling with this as well and be a support for them while they in turn are supporting me. I have been reading and watching all sorts of things to continue to educate myself and be able to educate those around me. I have been posting on social media to continue to raise awareness and keep this topic at the forefront of everyone’s mind, because it is a marathon and not a sprint. We are just getting started on the path toward change. 

“There is no mistaking where I stand in all of this, as I want to be treated equally, just like we all do. I do not want to be looked at and told I am ‘pretty for a black girl.’ Or be told, ‘You’re not really black,’ just because of where I grew up, where I choose to live now, or the sport I choose to coach. I want to be able to walk down the street without feeling like the color of my skin makes things more difficult for me sometimes or that someone is judging me based on it. I want our young athletes who are part of the black community to not get the cops called on them, just because they are sitting in a parking lot after work with their friends. I want our young athletes to be able to walk around their neighborhoods without fear of being stopped, without someone crossing the street to directly avoid them, without being looked at as less than. 

“In the beginning of quarantine, I had my 17s team watch Remember the Titans. The original intent was to relate the experiences and adversity in the movie to what we were going through with quarantine and the pandemic. My goal was to show that teamwork and understanding can conquer all, and that a strong team culture can help propel you through some unimaginable times. I never would have thought that the relevancy of the movie would expand into this during 2020. Through all of our discussions, racism and prejudice came up a lot. Most of my 17 year olds talked about how they didn’t quite realize just how bad the racism and inequality was while watching that movie prior to this time. I made mention that racism was still present today and as most of them knew from watching T.V. and seeing things through social media, not many had experienced it firsthand. It pains me that many of the same issues that were present when the movie was set in 1971, still exist today, 50 years later. Sure, mandated segregation is gone and we can all coexist in the same schools, areas of work, etc., but the rest of the movie still rings true, unfortunately. 

“I do believe our country can make a change, and I do believe our youth is going to be a big reason why change occurs. So we need to take this opportunity to educate them. It is our duty as coaches, parents, aunts, uncles, grandparents and friends, to help guide the younger generation down a different path than has been laid out for so many years before. We can help them, we can educate them, we can have open conversations and express our faults through time. This is our moment to get ‘comfortable being uncomfortable,’ which is one of my favorite sayings. Growth comes when we are most uncomfortable in a situation and we drop our guard. When we let go of ego and stop feeling guilty or defensive, we can make a lot of progress. Nothing great comes from comfort zones and I think it is safe to say that everyone is uncomfortable right now. We can all learn and grow so much from this situation if we are open to it.”

Comfort zones

I finished by saying that I was open to being a resource to anyone who wanted one and that if anyone wanted to hear more about my story, I was happy to share. There are a couple of things I want to touch on with what I wrote above. The first of which is one of my last sentences in which I say “Nothing great comes from comfort zone.” This is one of my all-time favorite quotes. I used it on the back of a t-shirt the first year I took over the current high school program I coach for and there is no truer statement, I believe. Comfort zones, a lot of the time, do more harm than good. We stay in them because we are afraid of what may happen outside of them. The nagging feeling of what could happen if we fail or if “it” doesn’t turn out the way we wanted it to. But the risk of staying inside your comfort zone is to endure the same pain over and over again without any change. 

Systemic racism is the comfort zone of our country. Too many people are afraid to stand up against it because of repercussions or the change that could happen throughout the country. STOP and think about that for a second. You would rather feel all comfy cozy than save actual human lives. I read something the other day that said, “My life matters more than your comfort.” That line says it all. Our country is more concerned with the “me” rather than the “we” in every single situation. We are seeing it right now with the pandemic as well. People are uncomfortable wearing masks, so we just don’t want to do it anymore. Force yourself to be uncomfortable for the greater good of our country, PLEASE.

The next part I want to talk about is education. We are all learning right now, regardless of race. I have spoken to many black people about all the history they were never taught about their own people. I do not believe that it is my job or the job of any other black person to help educate you on certain things. Pick up a book, read an article, watch a documentary and learn more about ALL of America’s history and not just what they teach you in class. However, I do believe it is important to help educate about personal experience because everyone has endured racism differently and that needs to be shared. I do believe that it is my responsibility to help educate young people and help open their eyes to what is really going on and has been going on in our country. 

We are not done

Here’s the bottom line for me — just keep going. Keep reading, learning, listening, posting, watching, writing, talking, donating, signing petitions and reaching out to the people around you to have conversations with and just to check on. Like I said above, we are just getting started on a path toward change. We have a long road ahead of us. As for the above writing that I did, like I said before, I am proud of it. I am proud to be able to use my voice in a way that can help others around me. I was upset it didn’t get used the way I wanted it to, but I am happy it is being seen now. Writing brings me joy and is a way for me to express myself about topics that are not always easy to talk about. This is one of those times. It is hard to put into words exactly how I feel about everything going on in the world. I often find myself very angry and sad, but also confused, shocked and frustrated by the things that have to be pointed out to the majority of our population. But being able to sit and write helps iron out those feelings and gives me hope that there can be change, if just one person reads this and gets something out of it. 

I’ll leave you with this quote again, “Nothing great comes from comfort zones.” Think about it often and start getting comfortable being uncomfortable.